Smaller Christmas List This Year

My Christmas list is a little smaller this year. Yes, it is smaller because I don't have the money to spend what I want, but it is also smaller because there is one less name on my list. I am not in the mood to even do the shopping for the people on my list because of that missing name. I want to curl up in my bed and just let the rest of the month go by with out me. I know that this can't happen, so I pull myself out of bed everyday and go about the motions of living.
With every holiday commercial or song I hear in a store I just want to scream and tell it to stop. I've stopped watching TV. My kids aren't too happy with this decision right now. They will be overjoyed when Daddy comes back home and turns it back on. I made the gingerbread men and sugar cookies for others, not tasting one of them, as they would be tasteless mixed with my tears. I gave them all away because I didn't want to look at them.

I didn't like Christmas for a long time. It took me many years to find the "spirit" and decorate my house. This year, there is no tree, no wreaths, no socks, nothing at all to say it is Christmas Time in my house. Christmas was the day we made Brock a permanent part of our family. With him gone, there is no celebration this year, and I'm sure for many years to come there will be no joy in the Holiday Season as we just have nothing to celebrate. I feel bad for my little sister, as she is graduating from college this week. She deserves celebration. But there will be no festive mood on my part, and I'm sorry to her.
We have been shaken to our core with Brock leaving us, some more than others.
My list is smaller this year because his name isn't on it. I try to shop then find something I would like to buy for him, and then I remember. I remember he will not be there at the first Christmas I have gone home for in 9 years. Then the tears come. Right there in the store. I had a lady misunderstand the other day when I did get out of my house to go buy my kids birthday presents thinking I was crying cause I couldn't afford what I was looking at. I just cried harder.

The Christmas Season will never be the same for me again. It just plain hurts. I will go through the motions because I have to, but I will be breaking inside.

I miss you everyday, little brother.