Smaller Christmas List This Year

My Christmas list is a little smaller this year. Yes, it is smaller because I don't have the money to spend what I want, but it is also smaller because there is one less name on my list. I am not in the mood to even do the shopping for the people on my list because of that missing name. I want to curl up in my bed and just let the rest of the month go by with out me. I know that this can't happen, so I pull myself out of bed everyday and go about the motions of living.
With every holiday commercial or song I hear in a store I just want to scream and tell it to stop. I've stopped watching TV. My kids aren't too happy with this decision right now. They will be overjoyed when Daddy comes back home and turns it back on. I made the gingerbread men and sugar cookies for others, not tasting one of them, as they would be tasteless mixed with my tears. I gave them all away because I didn't want to look at them.

I didn't like Christmas for a long time. It took me many years to find the "spirit" and decorate my house. This year, there is no tree, no wreaths, no socks, nothing at all to say it is Christmas Time in my house. Christmas was the day we made Brock a permanent part of our family. With him gone, there is no celebration this year, and I'm sure for many years to come there will be no joy in the Holiday Season as we just have nothing to celebrate. I feel bad for my little sister, as she is graduating from college this week. She deserves celebration. But there will be no festive mood on my part, and I'm sorry to her.
We have been shaken to our core with Brock leaving us, some more than others.
My list is smaller this year because his name isn't on it. I try to shop then find something I would like to buy for him, and then I remember. I remember he will not be there at the first Christmas I have gone home for in 9 years. Then the tears come. Right there in the store. I had a lady misunderstand the other day when I did get out of my house to go buy my kids birthday presents thinking I was crying cause I couldn't afford what I was looking at. I just cried harder.

The Christmas Season will never be the same for me again. It just plain hurts. I will go through the motions because I have to, but I will be breaking inside.

I miss you everyday, little brother.

It's been a LONG time

I'm sorry. I'm a slacker. Life took over.
Which ever one you want to take, the truth of it all is I stopped blogging. I guess the big reason was I have been so depressed with everything for the past year, between my crappy job (which is now done), and the hubby not having anything steady, all I do is worry. I didn't want all my posts to be depressing, so I stopped. Well, things aren't really any better, but I have decided that I need an outlet, or I'm going to go crazy!
I also have decided to get totally on the wagon and loose those baby pounds. I hate the way I look, the way I feel about myself. I need a little bit of accountability in this, so this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to post my weight and progress every week. Today is Day 1. I stepped on the scale this morning, and it said 180. Granted, I've seen it higher, but 180 is bad enough. I need to be 130. I haven't seen that in almost 13 years. Tonight after D gets home, exercise will commence, I'm pulling him right along with me on this, as he needs it also :)

Dinner will be grilled turkey (it is wrapped in bacon, but it's still only 150 calories per piece, not bad), roasted red potatoes, and salad.

In the coming weeks this blog will get a makeover of sorts also. I need to add some links, and a few other things as well. Thanks for hanging in there with me :)

Update on the Leaves

I have been doing quite a lot to keep my resolutions on track. The item I am most proud of is I have been sticking to my exercise program. I have done 3 days on, 3 days off for 8 days now. The only thing I'm worried about is when I go to Vegas on Friday, unless there are DVD players in the hotel, I'm going to be going 7 days without exercising. On Resolution #2 I cleaned and organized the linen closet yesterday. The towels and bed linens all have homes again! Resolution #3 had proven to be a little bit tougher. Mainly because I have NOTHING in the way of summer business clothes to wear to Vegas. I have been to JC Penny, Cato, Target, Wal-Mart, Sears, and even NY and Co. I can't find anything I like. And I was just informed I have to have a swimming suit also. This is my WORST nightmare! I'm going to go nuts trying to find one!
I guess 2 out of 3 is doing pretty good.....

New Leaf.. or Leaves....

Most people make New Years Resolutions. I make New Summer Resolutions. My reasoning behind this is that January to April is the busiest time of the year for me, working 70 hours a week, I'm lucky I have time to swipe the dust cloth over the TV! Then, it takes me about 2 months to get the energy back after April 15th to want to do anything. I know.. sounds really bad, but when you do as much work in 3 months as the average person does all year, it takes quite a toll on you!
So.. Now it's time for me to think about my resolutions:
Resolution 1:
The biggest one is I need to loose this baby weight. Raistlin is a totally breastfed baby, so I have to watch the food thing very closely. So, it's all up to that bad word, exercise. Last night I'd finally had it, and broke out the fitness video I bought in April when I was eating fast food everyday and just generally felt blah. I do have to say, it was the best workout I've had in a long time! It's called The Firm. They take things in small segments, and change it up after about 6 reps. It was a challenge though. Both Aryanna and Julian decided that they had to do it too. That was fine, except Julian decided his exercising when he got bored was to hang onto my legs when I was doing lunges, or climbing onto my back during push ups. I guess this means I do Baby and Me exercising class now :) My resolution is to keep this up and form a nice routine where I exercise 4 to 5 days a week.
Resolution 2: Organization
My house is cluttered to the rafters! About a week ago I got sick of looking at the spice cabinet, and spent about an hour cleaning it out. So far this has stuck, so now I'm thinking I need to do this with more than that one cabinet. that brings me to resolution #2, spending a hour on a day off cleaning something. Anything! I figure if I take it one piece at a time, it won't be so overwhelming to me. I do have to get this done before the end of next month, however, because Mom just might be visiting us.
Resolution 3: Spending more time in, less out
Let's face it. The world SUCKS right now. Everything is going sky high in prices. We usually spend one day out of our weekends doing something away from home. Everywhere we go takes anywhere from 1 to 3 hours to get there. I'm thinking these will be cut down to once a month. I'm also combining trips to the grocery store with coming home from work.
That's it for my resolutions now. I only do 3 at a time, so I don't feel too overwhelmed with them, and these are doosies!

Playing with pictures

I have recently taken my wonderful camera out of it's comfy bag to start playing and finding out the wonders a $700 camera can do. First off,I have 3 pictures of Raistlin I would like my family members to choose from for their "baby pic" of him. These are rough photos that I have yet to edit to remove the little bits of arms you can see, but I think they are really good. You can let me know in the comments which one you want, and I'll get it printed up in the size you want.




The next few are some pictures from our trip to Disney over spring break in March.



As you can tell, I like this new program I found!!!
There will be more pictures to come, as Aryanna dances for Relay For Life tonight. I'm becoming one of those shutterbug Mom's I hated when I was a kid!!

Tax season: In review

I have to say that this season has been more interesting than most. It started with Raistlin and 30 hours of labor, and ended in a drunken stupor at Stephaine's Mississippi Queen's new house. And we haven't even hit Vegas yet! In between we had constant drama between Trae and Erin that ultimately got him fired, saw a marriage rebuilt, learned Cindy is a key kleptomaniac, went on strike from doing laundry at home, made new friends (hiya Kelly!), and did a few tax returns.
We had our share of irate clients because the government "kept" their refunds, and of course it was ALL our faults. That government hasn't made our jobs any easier this year either with this rebate thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm very great full for it, but the number of phone calls about it is nearing the 500 mark!
Now it's time to get the house back in order, finish those craft projects that are just calling out to me, and of course, reconnect with my children.

The rush is on!!!

I know it has been a while since I've posted. And I do have a post to go up about a trip we took over spring break, but the pictures are still in the camera. My main reason for not posting is that this is my VERY busy time of the late season. From today on I will be working in what I have dubbed the House of Horrors until the end of season. I don't mind it every once in a while, but I like my corner of the world. I know where everything is, and life is good. I go there, and nothing is where it belongs. The place is just chaos! Oh well, at least there's more than a wall to talk to there...